Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
