I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
