life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
