Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
