in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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