Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Randomize
