3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Quick, to the slutcave!
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
