u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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