i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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