Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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