but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
