saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
