broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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