I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
