omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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