Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
How many fucks given?
0.12846
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
