I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
