Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
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