So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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