Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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