can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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