I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize