Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
