My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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