Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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