She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
