I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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