Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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