it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
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My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
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Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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