I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
