Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
We left an ass print on the piano.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
