oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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