no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
