I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
