You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
