The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
