I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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