Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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