Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
