Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize