Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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