Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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