Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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