I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just want nice things and good sex
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
