I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
