She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
