Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
