Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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