im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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