ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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