I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Randomize
