she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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