He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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