Pappa wants mamma naked
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
