you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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