my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
