my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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