But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
