My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
